Impromptu Czech Lesson

While I should be studying for my Czech intensive final exam tomorrow, I think I will instead... do nothing. Although let me share a direct quote from my Czech professor: "Test not hard. But- if you do bad, I kill you all." Maybe I should study...

but I'm sure I'll study later. I'll even exercise my Czech skills while blogging since I have learned some very useful phrases! Let me teach you some Czech basics so that the next time you find yourself at a smoky little underground pub eating smazény syr (fried cheese) and sipping a Pilsner Urquell, you can fit in with the best of them.

Rule #1: NO SMILING/Showing Emotions!

This is a very important rule to blending in with the locals since there is nothing worse than being positively identified as an American (God Bless America). For example, here is a few of us having the time of our lives at a typical Prague pub:















DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT ever let on that you are.... FROM THE USA! (Land of the free, home of the brave) by showing any emotions. Or else.




















Rule #2: Do Not Wear Deodorant/Wash Clothes/Use Perfume

While this rule may seem strange, it is all the craze in Europe. And I understand why! I love being able to tell someone's coming from a mile away. They could be the sneakiest sneaky sleuth in the world and I'd know their whereabouts at all times. I guess this is good in trying to avoid getting pick-pocketed- "Hey... what's that... ew... Jesus... OH HEY GET OUT OF THERE YOU SNEAKY SLEUTH!". Also imagine the loads of money they save on antiperspirant, laundry detergent, and Chanel No. 5 (and dignity, psh).

















Rule #3: No Talking Above Voices You'd Use to Speak to a Baby Hamster

Whether in a tram, train, or toilette, keep the voices to a minimum! Don't perpetuate the awful stereotype that Americans are loud and ignorant (while both are in fact tragically true... proud to be an American). In fact, I'd advise learning sign language before coming over here in an effort to cut back on vocal communication. Or just do yourself a favor and don't speak at all. That's what I'm doing!




















Rule #4: Try to Utilize Czech Phrases Whenever Possible

Let me tell you what, while it stinks being stuck in a classroom for 5 hours a day 5 days a week, it sure does pay off. Allow me to drop some tokens of knowledge acquired in the past few days.

Czech Phrase: Jsme v prdeli!
Translation: We're up the ass.
Interpretation: Shit, we're screwed. Better ring Zuzanna.

Czech Phrase: Mám se pod psa!
Translation: I have myself (my being) below the dog's (being).
Interpretation: I really messed up and feel pretty down. Better ring Zuzanna.

Czech Phrase: Strč prst skrz krk!
Translation: Put your finger through your throat!
Interpretation: All this smazény syr is really making me consider bulimia. Better ring Zuzanna.

Czech Phrase: Strč srp skrz krb.
Translation: Put a sickle through a fireplace.
Interpretation: ???
















Rule #5: Eat as Much Ice Cream as Physically Possible

I don't really need to explain this one.




Rule #6: Don't Worry, Be Happy

Sometimes I miss people and home and tap water and hygiene practices and smiles and free public restrooms and 120V outlets and solid pavement... but then I think about it.

I live in Prague.





Boom.

Now...

STUDY TIME!!!